I wanted to talk about a specific theme that’s been coming up with many of my clients lately. It’s around the concept of forgiveness. This is a big topic, and I’ve written a fairly long post about my experiences around forgiveness and using Ho’oponopono. So grab a cup of tea, coffee or glass of wine and settle in for a good read.
Some of the most common statements I hear from people when the topic turns to forgiveness:
- If I forgive it shows that I’m weak.
- They don’t deserve my forgiveness.
- If I forgive them, it means I’m condoning their actions.
Honestly, I get it. We’re human and it’s more than a little likely that we’ve all had these kinds of sentiments after experiencing feelings of hurt or betrayal. But how much thought do we give to these ‘feelings’ after the event has passed?
The answer is almost always way.too.much.
If we don’t, or can’t, forgive we’ll likely carry the pain and continue ruminating about it and who caused it. If that’s the case then we find ourselves stuck in negative looping thought patterns around the pain we experienced. What if, each time you ruminated, that pain sprang to life — as sharp and fresh as the first time? What if it lasted a month? Or a year? Or decades?
Do you want to know what surprises me most when talking with people about the act of forgiveness? It’s that most people have no concept that we can forgive a situation, or an event, or a circumstance.
Our forgiveness does not have to be toward another person, it can be toward anything that hurt us. Our forgiveness can also be directed toward ourselves.
What if we trained ourselves how to forgive by being actionable? I see actionable forgiveness as coming from an intentionally heart-centered space, while seeking emotional processing, release and healing.
Have you heard of the Hawaiian forgiveness prayer? It’s called Ho’oponopono and it translates to ‘setting things right.’
There are four lines to Ho’oponopono. It’s a kind of mantra that you repeat to yourself over and over, like an affirmation or affirmative prayer. The four lines are: I’m sorry; Please forgive me; Thank you; I love you.
I first heard about Ho’oponopono around 2013 from a friend who had moved to Hawaii. How they explained it to me was that by repeating the phrases again and again, it would ‘automatically’ calm my nervous system and allow me to forgive more easily.
That was it. Those were my instructions. My friend hadn’t implemented the practice, so didn’t have any insight to pass along. But something within me did feel calm when I ruminated on these words so they became somewhat of a ‘go to’ for me when I’d feel old triggers coming on.
Because I’ve always been a big fan of affirmations, I was comfortable using Ho’oponopono as a kind of affirmation of self-help. As an example; if I found myself ruminating about my own behavior and how I ‘should’ have been more patient or xyz, I’d intentionally turn to using Ho’oponopono.
If I found myself feeling angry or upset toward another person because of something they said or did, but was really none of my business, I’d turn to Ho’oponopono; I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you.
This always helped calm my nervous system and re-center my emotions. I now understand that the way I was using Ho’oponopono at that time was more of a ‘pattern interrupt’ to help get me out of my looping thought patterns. And it worked!
So, I’d been using Ho’oponopono for several years as a kind of personal statement, a ‘go to’ when I needed to calm myself and ‘get out of my head.’
Fast forward to 2016 when something happened in my life that put me in a deep spiral. The event left me feeling hollowed out, betrayed and completely un-centered. I was having a hell of a time pulling myself up and out of this emotional pain. I just could not stop ruminating over and over. I was actually making myself physically sick about it.
Oh boy did I lean into Ho’oponopono, like it was a life-line. I repeated those phrases in meditation, I repeated them like a prayer and I didn’t stop for days, that turned into weeks. And weeks that turned into months. These words became embedded in my consciousness and flowed constantly in my mind, and in my heart.
Back in 2016, at the beginning of this forgiveness journey, I was focussed on a specific person. As the months passed that person began to fade and another person came to the forefront. Surprised and intrigued, I kept on going with my intention to forgive, heal and move on.
As I continued with my intention, the people involved in the event faded in and out of my mind, coming in and out of focus. Then the people faded into the background. They were no longer there, they were gone and it was circumstances that presented themselves for a look and for forgiveness.
It was confusing at the time, but I was feeling better, back to center and knowing that my dedication was paying off. So I kept with it, and it was 100% worth it!
As the months went on I realized that days may have gone by without me ruminating about the event. Oh my, that was breakthrough! I kept at it, I doubled down on Ho’oponopono and gratitude journaling. And slowly, I felt myself coming back to center.
The home we owned at the time had over 100 palm trees and many dense gardens, so trimming and maintaining the yard were daily tasks. On one such day as I was working with my hands in the soil and ruminating on I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you, something hit me. Very clear and very deep.
Forgiveness. I got it. I finally got it! The release, the clearing, the healing, the understanding. All at once. My knees buckled, I fell to the ground in tears of joy and liberation. My liberation came in one huge wave of realization.
My realization was that all along the point was to release my reaction to the event. And that releasing was forgiveness. And, that forgiveness is to release. That it was me who was holding on to the pain and that it was I who wanted to place blame elsewhere.
It’s so hard to explain, but I had a very deep, deep knowing and acceptance that I was the party responsible for my rumination…no one else could ruminate in my head but me. That’s a little harsh, I thought to myself. Yet within my whole being, I knew it was true. It was me who needed toforgive all along.
This realization came to me in 2018. Yes, it took two years for me to unpack all the emotions, resentments, anger and pain the event left me with. And, within those two years I was healing, I was recalibrating, I was embodying the lessons the event held for me so I could walk them into my life experience.
I know this is a long story, but here’s what I also want to share with you about Ho’oponopono. In 2024 I took an online course with Joe Vitale called Energy Clearing Academy. In one of the modules Joe goes into detail about Ho’oponopono. I did not know this was part of the course when I signed up, but wow-oh-wow was I happily surprised!
I learned that about 30 years ago in Hawaii there was a hospital/ward that held mentally ill criminals. People who had committed heinous crimes and needed mental assessment to determine if they could stand trial for their crimes. It was a horrible place, as you can imagine. Records of this hospital state the staff were terrified of the inmates. The place was in decay. Paint wouldn’t stick to the walls. It was said to have been a ‘repulsive environment.’
One day a new doctor arrived at the hospital and he never asked to see the patients. He spent all day in his office going over patient files, but never meeting with them. “Strange…”
Although this doctor, Hew Len, didn’t visit the patients, he showed up every day and every day he asked for various files and each day he reviewed them in his office. Still, not visiting the patients. You know what happened? Patients healed, were released or processed and within four years the hospital was closed.
What was Dr. Len doing with those patient files?
He was practicing the technique of Ho’oponopono on each client, but using himself as the starting point. Ho’oponopono is based on the knowledge that anything that happens to you or that you perceive, the entire world where you live is your own creation and thus, it is entirely your responsibility. One hundred percent, no exceptions.
There’s a question I read again and again that Dr. Len asks: “Haven’t you noticed that whenever you experience a problem you’re there?”
Let that sink in. Responsibility. That’s a big word. Because of my personal experience with using Ho’oponopono, I realize that taking responsibility is not the same as taking blame. What it means is taking responsibility for my own healing. I understand that I am the steward of my own divinity and if I get ‘bunched up’ inside because of something happening outside of myself, it is on me to set that right. And taking responsibility for my own experience is liberating. I also realized that if I stopped judging so much, I wouldn’t have so much to forgive.
Forgiveness isn’t about letting anyone off the hook — it’s about letting ourselves off the hook. It’s not about forgetting what happened or pretending it didn’t hurt. It’s about releasing our grip on the pain so it stops gripping us. Ho’oponopono helped me understand that healing isn’t always fast or linear, but it is possible — and sometimes it starts with just four simple phrases.
If you’re holding something heavy in your heart, I invite you to try this practice. Say the words. Say them for yourself. Say them for the version of you who didn’t know better, or couldn’t do better. Say them for the world. Say them for the peace you’re ready to reclaim. The journey may take time — mine sure did — but the freedom, clarity, and self-compassion on the other side are worth every whispered prayer.
If you’d like a copy of a PDF which includes more details about Dr. Len’s work and the history of Ho’oponopono, send me a message. I’d be honored to share it with you.
If this post stirred something in you and you feel ready to explore your own forgiveness story, I invite you to book a session with me. Together, we can unravel what’s heavy and find your way back to center.
Forgiveness is freedom. And it’s always within reach.